A year ago, my husband and I decided to stay in St. Louis. An opportunity to move to the Bay area in California was tempting. A fresh start, a secure job, a boost in pay to make up for the cost of living increase, mountains, the outdoors, and a friendly climate were all very alluring. As we considered it over several months, the things we would leave behind began to mount in our discussions and ultimately we valued them over new opportunities.
A reckoning is a good thing. It makes things clear, provided we are willing to pay attention. At first I felt bittersweet sadness about not moving. Our plan had been so long in the consideration that I hadn’t really thought about plan B. I graduated in May of 2018 with my MFA and I had put off making a goal for myself. I’d already have plenty to do with the move. So staying meant I needed to have a plan for what was next.
I spent the year finishing up a contract job I had started in graduate school and took on a part time role in a job that was somewhat related to my field. I figured it was something to do until I figured it out. The problem with this is I didn’t figure it out. I got busy. I got lost and I wasn’t even really conscious that it was happening.
I didn’t make my art for that year after grad school. I didn’t even feel like making art. I worried that I had just spent three years of my life taking myself apart and putting myself back together only to not be an artist anymore. I knew I should be making art and started to make some adjustments to allow it to happen again.
I ended the somewhat related job when my contract position was up. I was offered a new contract to resume my work in August. My schedule was flexible and I settled on three days in the job, two days in my studio. I had a month long break in July between job contracts and I treated it as a vacation. While my art practice still languished, I made a few pieces for shows coming up in the fall. Innovations in Textiles was being again and the Surface Design Association Conference was in St. Louis. There were shows that I wanted to be part of and I had a few invitations as well. I committed to them all to make sure that I would return to my studio.
When it became clear that that contract wasn’t happening it forced a lot of questions that needed to be answered. I started job searching and adjusting to plan B.
The week of the conference has been incredibly busy. Having a well-defined role in working the conference, it got me out of my head and got me to engage with the textile community. While going to a show opening with my husband this week, we discussed my anxiety about what was next for me and he asked the million-dollar question: ”If you could do anything in the world, what would you do?” I had no real answer – but listed off full time artist and a few other things that related to what I had been doing. He encouraged me to not answer right away but to work on my art in the meantime.
I gave myself homework to make a list of every job/career that I was interested in. Under the heading of artist the bullet points were rapidly being added. There is so much under this heading so many parts that I am interested in: making, exhibiting, selling work, writing, teaching, residencies, pursing grants to support projects, doing freelance work, etc.
The other headings remained only headings. I had no interest in fleshing them out more.
The answer was repeated over and over again outside of my list. Several artists that I respect told me to do the work. What was next was for me to do the work. Build my career. Pursue the things that I had gotten sidetracked on.
While looking for something in a drawer, I found a map piece of Finland that I used as a pattern for work that I started but ultimately abandoned. I applied for a Fulbright grant while in grad school to go to Finland for research. While the grant wasn’t successful, I still have the longing to go. Maybe I could look at that again.
More people told me to do the work. Apply for this residency. The opportunities kept making themselves known.
So here I am the day after my birthday. Another year to look to. In a transition period. Supported by a large group of incredible artists at the conference. And I need not ask the question “What job shall I do?” I need only to ask, “What is next?”