Last week I listened to an episode of Brené Brown’s Unlocking Us podcast that was perfect in its timing. Susan Cain (author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking) spoke about her new book Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole, to be released in April. Cain spoke about the link between bittersweet and melancholy. Life isn’t all positive vibes only; we need to know where the edges are in order not to fall off. I’ve always had a melancholic side. For instance, I sometimes love to listen to music that makes me ache inside to remind me I’ve experienced and survived many hard things.
In the last year I’ve tried to bring my attention and focus to the here and now – to try to be present in the moment. Our impending out-of-state move has tested this emphasis as the very act is about future focus.
As I take my daily walks, I notice spring return and the shift into potential of what will soon emerge and flower. It is one of my favorite times of the year.
crocus flowers at Missouri Botanical Gardens
A restlessness has descended on my family as we near the time of our move. For the moment there is nothing to do – all the prepacking is complete. We took a sizable load of my studio boxes and equipment up to storage in Minnesota a couple of weeks ago. The walls of our home are empty for the first time in memory, and we don’t feel at home here anymore.
On the drive we saw flocks of geese migrating north and the urge to join them even now is overwhelming. Our migration time has a few weeks yet, but the pull north is strong.
A few books I didn’t pack yet. Ever the optimist, I thought I’d have so much time to study.
When we drove into Minnesota, I kept my eyes open to spot the groves of birch trees that I’ve missed since our last trip north. I remember the first time I saw them and thought there they are. This time when I spotted them, I thought here I am. I made a piece in 2019 with text on it with the words “here” and “there” and below them “Those that came before.” It was the first work postgraduate school fog and I made it largely on instinct with experimentation. At the time I didn’t understand the full meaning of the words. “There” feels in the distance, a point of reference not close to where I stand. “Here” in contrast is where I am, and the beginning of an orientation point on a map.
Memory Map 1, 2019
8" h x 8" w x 1"d
Cotton and linen.
Hand dyed fabric, machine and hand embroidery. Mounted.
I spoke with a group of artists the other day about themes in my work and I shared that I’ve been thinking about and circling back to themes of home, place, maps, and location for most of my life. I grew up in the Midwest and would fly out to visit my mother in the southwest a couple of times a year. I grew to love the high desert landscape and the mountains. When I would come “home,” I would feel out of sync, alienated until I adjusted back into the lush humid hills of Missouri. I felt home in both places but never really at home. I remember trying to express this disconnect, but I never found people that seemed to understand my sensitivity to land and place. For most, it didn’t seem to make much of a difference where they lived.
I ran across a paper that I wrote for an undergraduate literature class that explored home in literature, film, and songs. I can see the early thoughts express themes that I would later go on to create visual art about and now write about again
In all our preparation, I feel a sweep of bittersweetness in leaving my home. Growing up in this place, I can point to so many memories both good and bad. There are ghosts lingering everywhere. I’m longing for a place of my own, without a familial history to haunt me. Sometimes we must move toward the life we could have, even if we aren’t clear what it will look like.
“Coming home to a place he’s never been before.”
References
Brown, Brené. "How sorrow and longing make us whole, part 1." Unlocking Us Podcast. March 23, 2022. https://brenebrown.com/podcast/how-sorrow-and-longing-make-us-whole-part-1-of-2/
Cain, Susan, and Min Kym. The hidden power of sad songs and rainy days. July 2019 https://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_and_min_kym_the_hidden_power_of_sad_songs_and_rainy_days.
Gilbert, Elizabeth. Not this. Essay posted on Facebook. April 12, 2016. https://m.facebook.com/GilbertLiz/posts/not-this-back-by-popular-demandsweet-friends-for-some-mysterious-reason-that-i-s/1004594839622631/.